Getting to Know You

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to have lunch with one of my dearest friends from college.   Getting the chance to see her in person is always a spur of the moment undertaking.  We're both in the restaurant industry and always susceptible to last minute schedule changes.  That party cancelled, take today off and come in tomorrow instead.  Someone got sick, can you be here in an hour?  Ping pong schedules have made me appreciate the solidity of the relationships I have all the more.

During lunch, my friend mentioned something that I've been pondering since she said it.  "You never really know someone until you have a meal with them."

There are many ways to complete the sentence "You never really know someone until you..."  Live with them, go through their iPod, and get lost on a dark dessert highway with cool wind in your hair come to mind.  But eat a meal?  I think she's spot on with this.

Beer and chips in front of a tv do not count as this type of meal, nor does anything you consumed while driving.  The meal need not be expensive, extravagent, or even a full plate of food.  In retrospect, many of the times I have learned the most about my dining companion have been over the humblest repasts.  A split mug of tea and homemade zucchini bread on the floor of a dorm room, Taco Bell in a mall food court during a crazy snow storm in upstate New York, sushi in the middle of nowhere, PA.  This conversation took place over a delicious lunch at one of Jersey's best restaurants, but could have happened over PBJ, like it did when we were roommates.

So what is it about a meal that brings out the best or worst in people?  Is there something about the deliberate and purposeful consumption of food that shows us at our true selves?

Table manners first come to mind.  Obviously, one learns the level of sophistication of her dining companion, but it goes beyond chewing with a closed mouth.  Are the dainty bites she's taking natural?  The jerky movements she makes indicate nerves, but is it the food, the atmosphere, or something deeper that's causing them?  Does he feel comfortable enough with me to order that full rack of baby back ribs even though he knows I'm a vegetarian?  Does he believe me when I say I won't judge him as long as he keeps away from my sweet potato fries?  1 word: napkin.  You take it from there.

I've learned so much about the people in my life during natural meal pauses as well.  When there are minimal outside distractions, can someone be comfortable in silence?  I've had dates at fancy restaurants where I've paused because I had nothing to say.  I've had homecooked meals where I've paused because I wanted so much for my next words to count.  Even new friends can feel like old friends when the pauses are natural. 

I can't tell you what foods or what atmospheres will get anyone to open up, but I can promise one thing.  When you focus on the meal and have only the person in front of you as entertainment, wonderfully tragic and amazingly beautiful surprises happen.  The loud classmate who was always such fun at the dive bar suddenly becomes a bore.  The quiet coworker has millions of life stories.  Or maybe, you simply drain the last of your coffee, pay the check, and leave having once again confirmed that you are blessed with a true friend.